So, its true. Stronger women are lonely too. It takes a lot to stand alone. Walk away from all that has caused pain and made you give up the things you once would have died for not knowing they were killing you before you almost gave them your soul.
It has taken a year for me to walk my walk. No one has noticed more than my ass. I still have the pretty smile that will get my door held open for me, but that is about it. Only one held on tight. That is because they had more to lose by me letting go than I. Now it is my time to heal.
So here I am. Not so naked in front of the world actually doing it. I have kept all my promises to myself, and I have overcome the obstacles that were destroying me.
Like so many before me, I thank you for showing me how to Do or die.
I am alive.
The first Memory I had to Overcome:
It just all popped into my head. All the pieces came together. I was in the same spot when a small miracle happened that was no miracle.
It was the afternoon. I think Saturday because the night before my sister had dinner with us or maybe just the summer. I do not know. She had gotten back from the doctor with my mom. She had gotten ring worm from the neighbor’s cat. She had ducked behind the back door to put medicine on the spot she had. The whole family was there finishing dinner.
The next day, it was in the afternoon. I was about 7 or 8. My lovely sister, I say with disdain, as she hated me to the world’s end and I longed for her approval; was making me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I took the sandwich with delight. My sister did something for me. Wow! This must be my birthday.
My sister left. I ate the sandwich without even looking at it.
I do not remember how long it was from eating the sandwich and this day, but I was going to the washroom. I wiped myself and noticed something on the white toilet paper. It looked like rice, but it looked like it was moving.
I then took a pink Kleenex and wiped it again. Sure enough, it was a white worm thing. Looked like rice but it would ball up and then stretch out into rice again.
I was completely freaked. Me! I had worms! I immediately drank all the rubbing alcohol we had. My mom bought more 2 days later. I drank that too.
During this time my sister was making jokes about me having worms. All I thought was how could she know. Within days the little rice worms were gone. I forgot all about it until..
I was 28. A girl called my boyfriend and said she had a cat. We took him in as he was amazing. He was Jewish. He said “meoashk”. The second day we had him I noticed he had these rice-like worms that balled up then stretched back out into rice. I took him to a vet right away. She said he had tapeworm.
My life went on.
I was 35. I was back at my dad’s house visiting. I was in the exact same spot in the house where my sister gave me the sandwich. It all came rushing back. My sisters look when she handed the sandwich to me. The trips to the toilet. The drinking of the rubbing alcohol. The vet visit with my cat.
My sister gave me tapeworm. I was hated and no one did a damn thing about it.
I had no place to hide in my childhood home. My mother is ill. My dad, off to work all the time. My sister loathed me. My brother just got by.
We all pretended everything was okay. Except me. I was the one who stood up and fought. At age 7 I went to my parents and said, “What the fuck is going on around here.” I was laughed at for being a crying little princess and called a hypochondriac. Yeah well, this crying little princess was being destroyed by not being protected.
Today. I claim myself. Today I stand alone. I cannot tell you how proud I am of me. I have many stories like this one, but I lived. I found myself within devils. I today am safe, strong and on a new journey of self-discovery. Do you want to join?
Take a breath. More to come.
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I was 3. I was sitting in my favorite chair in the house. My sister decided to sit with me. It was an upholstered rocking chair with arms like wood railings. We were rocking. Then we spend it up. We were giggling. Having fun. I had my hand through the arms of the chair. Still rocking my sister took her foot and kicked me out of the chair. I hit the tiled concrete floor headfirst.
I blacked out.
I woke up in the hospital. My head, splitting with pain.
I never did get to tell my side of the story… until now.
We are much older now. She still wishes me dead.
I cannot explain the people in this world. Some selfish. Some sadistic. Some love openly. Some give you the world.
I chose to love openly. I cannot be a part of evil. I am not all good and not all bad. Just like most I struggle to fit in and be accepted for me. That's the true issue. I am different but the same. So I am private as well. Staying off the radar of anyone who does harm. Standing up for myself and others when it presents itself.
No perfection is out but growing to be better than yesterday is key to most who have struggled and have seen truth. I have witnessed truth since birth. I choose to be better than truth. The struggles are truth. The evil is truth. I have been unperfect walking through truth which is evil alike.
I choose to live. I choose to be a beacon of light to those who walk unperfect through truth. I choose to answer the questions. I choose to love openly.
This will not solve the world’s problems but help me and those who choose to walk into the light.
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Many things hit you in life. Try to knock you down. For those like me who care freely this happens too much. A guard is put up after you have finally had enough.
I am there. I have had enough. I have loved freely all my life and now I debate the simplicity I have had over my life. I have invested in the people that I thought loved me. I have bled for them, and I have had enough of the lies and betrayal.
I stand alone now. In debate with my soul. It tells me to keep loving freely just do not invest. Does this mean I will be the one to love me? Alone, me fulfilling my life with all the things I need. I am ready and capable but, this life is lonely. Because of my sadness, depression, pain, abuse I bleed more than blood but have always kept hope alive.
I have hoped and prayed for peace and love to come into my life.
Now I must prepare to lose again. My other that should not have been my other is dying. My other loves me more than life itself. Unfortunately, not the way I need to be loved. Never learning truly who I am due to selfishness and denial and now I have to say goodbye to familiarity. My other is my addiction, my drama, my downfall. I am so used to being with my other I no nothing other. I fill the gaps with his presence. Toxic as it is, I have not given up. But when it is time, I will be left empty. The gaps that were filled will now be voids. Holes.
I have loved openly. Freely to anyone who needs a kind hand. Strangers in need, People who have betrayed me. Animals of all kinds. Is this going to be the last straw? What will I do? How will I cope?
I was given the news and normally I fade away. Leaving slowly so I do not get hurt when I know the truth. Instead, I am rushing to my other. Trying to help. Trying to love. But I must ask, what about me? I have forgotten myself for a lifetime. What will happen of me when I do not have the Drama, the addiction anymore?
Will I learn to live?
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I have fought for my life to be mine. I am finally going to be given that chance, but what do I do with it once I have it all to myself? I look into my crystal ball, and everything looks fine. But what am I looking at really? Is it the job? Is it a purpose? I am doing everything that I can to get positioned to create magic. What magic will come?
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I am fighting. Fighting again. I am fighting to keep my journey going. I am fighting to stay away from what I know will drown me.
I have thought forever that I need to be a part of the world. That I needed to belong to everyone around me. What I learned is that everyone around me was out to get me because I was different. When I saw what was being done, I disagreed but I wanted love, so I went along thinking acceptance was love. I played their games. Now I know that my voice matters and that these would do me harm at any given moment. So, my aching to belong changed to my accepting that I never will. I now know I stand apart. I stand alone. Even when I am accepted, I am accepted for my differences and praised for my uniqueness. I stand in my shoes and know that I will never fit in. I will never be apart of the whole. I am okay with this. The whole is Sheep. The whole is despair. Going along with the whole has proven to destroy the good. These make the different seem weak. I am not weak. I am strong. I have risen up beyond the whole and become a force to be reconned with.